Today we discussed the origins of why I don’t feel pretty enough and how it is just easier to admit that and not that I feel not good enough. We touched on how my mother failed as a mother, the abuse, and the bullying I endured as a little kid. We talked about how I keep it all inside and never talk about that past because I don’t want to feel it and im afraid they will think different of me or just plainly don’t want to hear. It was very eye opening and a good foundation to start on. I learned a few of my triggers that I or others do and I am learning ways to help myself take care ‘of the inner’ child. We talked about how I need to tell others when they are triggering because they can’t read my mind. We also discussed sitting with the emotions, feeling them, and listen to see if they are telling me anything. It is just a very mindful approach to everything and I need that.
I want to give a shout out to all of you guys who have been so supportive in my journey. It has really helped and affirmed to me that people care about and love me in healthy ways. Thank you for being amazing.
Im waiting to go into therapy today wanting to cry. These are the things i will rant about:
I hate that it is six oclock and I’m not home. I hate that I work a full time, exhausting job and go to school part time and still haven’t amounted to nothing. I could be graduating with my bachelors in may but yet I am still sitting here not reaching my potential. I have not lived up to the hopes that I have for myself, I have not traveled anywhere that doesn’t have a mouse, and I am so lonely right now that it hurts. I feel as if I am not good enough for anything, not pretty enough or attractive enough, I feel exhausted and like I could tip over at any moment. I feel like I keep going and going but there is barely any rest. I feel so imbalanced. I spend my car rides regretting I ever made a site for or even shared the hunger games. I miss when I didn’t have panic attacks when I was in a social situation. I used to be so outgoing. I wish I had a mother, one that actually took care of her child and didn’t live her alone at the age of four for a week by herself. I wish I had a supportive family and someone to guide me because fucking hell it is so hard walking forward in the darkness blind. I wish I wasn’t forty years more mature than those my age and I could kick back and have fun. I wish my panic attacks never came back. I wish I had people around me who truly understood me and had the patience I need. I wish I could go into a room and turn my music up obnoxiously loud. I wish I could cry. I feel as if I might throw up. I wish my feet didn’t hurt so fucking bad with this new job or that my body is so worn out.
I hate that I still feel like I have to carry the world on my shoulders.
By the way, at my appointment today we discussed how most of my issues and problems today are just triggered by things of my past and how I need to care the damaged kid in me and grieve the loss of my nonexistent childhood/lack of a mother. She told me to imagine caring for that child and truly being there for her. I said I was scared of getting too overwhelmed and didn’t know how to ask for comfort when I need it.
It was a good session but extremely draining. I don’t want to cry alone, so I don’t do it while I’m alone at my apartment.
I feel slightly hurt.
oursarah replied to your post: Well, that was hard.
What’s up love?
I had my first therapy appointment today with a new therapist who specializes in working with sexual abuse/sexually assaulted women and people with self image issues from that trama. She also deals with a plethora of other issues but these are the ones she specializes in. I havent been in therapy for a little while so it was kinda scary. It’s hard to go back to these topics, but it is so much more worth it.