Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough. Then it manifests to me feeling not attractive enough and thats why there is sexual problems. Though, logically, I know that it isn’t the issue, that’s where my thought process leads me. Then I begin to hate my body and self. And try to think of ways to ‘fix’ it so then, maybe, I’ll be attractive enough to raise some sort of feelings. It’s this entire snowball effect that eats away at me. On top of everything I can’t really openly talk about it because I don’t want anyone to feel bad but at the same time I’m so frustrated that I either want to cry or punch things.
I’m trying to change the way I’m thinking and get to the root of why I feel things. Just by being able to write this out, I’m getting better.
If I want my body to change to be more healthy and I feel better about myself, great, but I know not to get stuck in this negative thinking that if my body changes then I’ll be good enough.
So, every time I go into Rainbow Blossom I get hit on by both the young man and older woman who work there. Saying I look gorgeous today, giving me free soup refills and water bottles, and today? A bag of delicious cookies!
It lifts my bad day just a little bit, causes me to smile.
Twenty minute workout on the new elliptical was an intense one.
On my way to the body I want. Self esteem starting to (slowly) rise.
Between my depression and stress, I’ve gained more weight than I ever had. It’s completely unacceptable to me. I feel completely horrible about myself and avoid looking at my body in the mirror, only my face. I know that I need the exercise but I continue to tell myself why is it worth it? I feel unattractive to my love, not pretty enough.
My insecurities, anxieties, and depression sometimes gets hard to hide when they show their little head.
Ugh, anyone have motivation to loose weight and want to join me?
All day I thought I lost weight, my self esteem going up and I’m happy that my jeans are so loose, so comfortable. All day looking in the mirror like, “Wow, you go, Avery.”
Well, I didn’t loose any weight. Instead I grabbed my love’s identical jeans and have been wearing them. They are two sizes bigger than my own jeans. No fuckin wonder I believed I actually lost weight. Seriously, Avery? seriously?!
Ugh, change must happen. Either I get bigger jeans or I slim down more to fit more comfortably in my own jeans.
This is my life. These are my choices. Fuck.
“Be kind with yourself. Know that the first step to making change, is seeing the thoughts behind the actions. If you struggle with self-doubt, you can change your thoughts. You can change the words you use, and you will begin to believe it. It will become the truth about you. This applies to all things about yourself. So listen to the voice, and begin to change the words.”
- Adventures of a Single Lesbian Mother
Isn’t it odd how things you really need to hear suddenly pop up?
I love being mixed race and my skin color, but sometimes I am insecure that those around me may not think it is as beautiful as I do. I have years of hurt, fight, overcoming hardship, royalty, and beauty etched in my caramel coated skin.
But I have also grew up in an area, family, and community who has rejected one half or the other of my identiy. Saying one race is worse than the other. I have my doubts and worries when I am around people. Do they not think I’m as pretty? Do they even care?
I will always love my skin color and I will teach my multiracial children to love their’s and their heritage. There will be no doubts in their mind that they aren’t beautiful.
I need to feel beautiful again. I need to feel special.
I have so many doubts about myself. I have so many insecurities. Does anyone realize? Is my daily facade too good? Well, I do. I doubt myself, have poor self esteem, and I don’t know what tomorrow will lead.
How can I build my self confidence more?
Just so we are clear, I had my first round of laser hair removal a week ago. It took about four minutes, burned just a tiny bit, but all was well. My skin was a little red after but I didn’t have any negative reactions.
Flash forward to a week later. I shaved my chin about four times since; the day after the procedure, the day after that, skip a day and then the day after that, and this morning. You see the spacing out of days? Yeah, it’s because it’s working. I’ve never had my skin feel this smooth.
Of course, it’ll grow back in a few days but it’s progress. The first treatment did so well, I’m excited to see how the rest will do.