Food in Her Belly

Food in Her Belly

"Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."

(via thirdw0rld)

(Source: sherunsfromdarkness, via thatharrypottergirl)

Have a good day, I tell myself. I need help finding a positive mantra to get me though today. I’m so emotional. Is it cause of my period and I am on spacer pills for my birth control right now? Ugh.

By the way, before an Anon comes and troll my posts, this is a good example of my blog when I’m going through a depression that is caused by a plethora of things despite having an amazing love and life. Because, again, depression isn’t only something for loveless people without a hope in the world. Rich, poor, black, white, depression doesn’t discriminate. It’s a very serious thing that should never be taken lightly.

Despite my battle with depression and mental illness, I refuse to use it as a crutch in how I live my life. I try my hardest in this battle and I will continue. I have given up once and it will never happen again. Kay? Thanks.

End of rant.

I feel slightly hurt.

I get depressed and I don’t answer personal emails or texts sometimes. I just can’t do it even though I want to so bad. I feel extremely guilty. It hurts. I want to talk to people. I just don’t know how to push past this blocked wall.

So, if you text me or email me or message me and haven’t received an answer. Just know that I am thinking of you and trying my best to get back to you. If I don’t, just flood my inbox. It’s encouraging.

So, I’ve been trying to take a more active role in my happiness. I feel like I have been stuck and I need to unstuck myself.

I’ve been exercising. Not a whole lot but at least a few times a week. I hope to work up to once everyday and then, a long period of time each day.

I’ve been looking into homeopathic solutions to helping with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I found SAM-E at Walgreens on sale for 4 dollars a box, ten dollars off. And I’ve been taking Melatonin each night to help the insomnia.

I have a lot of work related stress but playing music and singing to the babies while working has really helped.

I have also gave up caffeine (coffee and sodas) cold turkey. OUCH, it sucks.

It’s hard as hell to be positive, but I am trying so hard. I really appreciate those around me keeping my mood up.

"People think they know you. They think they know how you’re handling a situation. But the truth is no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you’re lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside your head—the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn’t their fault. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and they say you’re doing great when you’re really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you."

William H. Woodwell Jr. (via skeletales)
Seriously, this is relevant to my everyday life. Even the people I’m closest too seems to make this assumption. I attribute it to my well put on mask but I’m sure that it’s easier for someone to pretend you are happy so they don’t have to bother with your unhappiness.
No, I’m not always alright. No, I will not bring it up all the time because of my many fears. Yes, I still have flashbacks (albeit less often l) when I smell a certain odor, see a certain photo, feel a certain texture, or think a certain spot. Yes, I’m still missing my mother. No, I’m not okay with this or that.
Yes, I have my good days. Yet, I have equal bad days too. It’s a work in progress. I’m trying my hardest to reach balance in my life but I slip. Sometimes even fall, pretty damn hard, in fact. yet, I’m fighting and I’m strong. But no one shouldn’t do it alone. We are human, we need other people in our lives. We need to know that people care and love us. We need to know that we aren’t alone. Yes, it sucks to always have to reassure someone all. the. fucking. time. But it takes a while to believe it. But once we do believe it, it’s the world to us.
We may not be okay today or even tomorrow, but with unconditional love from others, we will be okay.
(Source: slekes, via onherway)

Just breathe.

There are so many reasons and worries consuming my head that I can’t just say that I feel this and way. My explanation on why I’m depressed, sad, jealous, irritated, exhausted, and many other things would be jumbled and confusing.

I’m just so tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of feeling old. I’m tired of feeling not so special. It’s sad when I save one message when people around me get tons. I’m tired of being depressed. I’m tired of missing dead people and feelings so much older than I really am. I’m just so tired, run down, and told I’m the most put together person people know. Darlings, I’m really not. I have serious insecurities. Insecurities that eat away at me that no matter how hard I try to will away it’s comes back with a force.

I can’t breathe. I feel like a weight is on my chest, even worse each day. I feel like I’m talking but not completely listened too. I feel stuck and unchallenged at times. I feel completely out of control. I feel nightmares take over too many nights while stress takes over my body when I walk into my home. I hate having to remind myself why I’m here and that it’s worth going through this darkness. I’m tired of lying in the shower trying to talk myself out of being depressed or insecure.

I’m just so sad. I’m so so lost at times and I just need to find my way back up this tunnel I have fallen into. I hate feeling guilty for feeling so bad but I can’t help it. I can’t help it and that is what hurts the most.

I hate not having control over myself. I spent too many years not having it and finally, when I do, I’m stuck in the clutches of depression.

Ugh. I’m done with my rant. Sorry for spamming.

When you write heart felt, emotional posts asking for support and they get ate up by fucking tumblr.

I give up.

Notice:

I’m going through a period in my life where I am very emotional. This can last two days or it can last two months. That really shouldn’t matter. What matters is me being honest with you guys and you guys being there for me. I know, I am asking for a lot but it’s taken years of therapy to ask for help.

I really just feel like shit and want to cry. Oh well.

I’m trying to convince myself to get up and do my hair. Also on that list is to try not to cry, get out of this extreme depression, stop hating myself, and to be nice and considerate.

Oh well, we will see how this goes. Until then I’ll listen to some music.

Avery Nolan: a complicated person attempting to lead a simple life. I'm an imaginative and emotional soul stuck with an over analytical mind.

I'm madly in love with a Johanna Mason that also goes by Devon Rae.

Hello, I'm Avery, and you? www.foodinherbelly.tumblr.com/ask

Words are just like food in my belly. I gobble them up.

I run: faberrybrittanafics.tumblr.com/

and write: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1260696/